“Is it my fault” and “why is this happening?” are some of the most heartbreaking questions you might hear after telling your child that you are getting a divorce. Having this difficult conversation is painful for everyone involved but, as a parent, hurting your child is the last thing you want.
How you answer your child’s questions after breaking the news can shape their memory of this moment. No approach is perfect but with a little preparation, you can protect their emotional well-being.
Provide reassurance without overpromising
The way your child reacts may depend on their developmental stage. Younger children, for instance, see themselves as the center of the world. They may not fully understand the concept of cause and effect yet. Because of this, they may believe that their actions cause the things happening to them, including your divorce. As a parent, it is your duty to lift this burden from their shoulders immediately and completely.
Agree with your co-parent to talk to your child at the same time and use a simple, unified script. Reassure your child that this was an adult decision between you, their parents, and it has nothing to do with anything they have ever done or said. Make your child understand that some things may change but they did not cause this situation. Consider closing your conversation by telling your child that you love them, and that will never change.
Avoid saying anything that could be misinterpreted or making promises that you cannot see through as that might set them up for disappointment.
Answer “why” without placing blame
When the decision to divorce is still fresh, it can be tempting to vent your own frustrations. However, blaming the other parent in front of your child could make them feel stuck in the middle. When answering “why”, it is critical to remember that you don’t have to lie to your child but you also do not have to tell them the whole truth if that will only do more damage.
Consider giving your child a balanced explanation. Instead of pointing fingers, stick to simple truths. You could say that you and your co-parent are no longer happy together, which is necessary for a marriage. Or, you might even say that despite your efforts to save the relationship, things did not work out and that is fine.
Presenting a united front is not only crucial for your child’s stability but is also looked upon favorably in legal proceedings.
Prep for what happens after the talk
Even after having the initial “divorce talk”, your child may need ongoing assurance from you and your co-parent. Although this may be a difficult time, showing your child that they are safe and loved can soothe their fear of abandonment and anxieties.
Navigating divorce as a parent can be difficult and overwhelming. Having a compassionate family law attorney by your side can go a long way. They can help you build a sustainable parenting agreement that truly serves your child’s best interests during this difficult transition.